Top 10 Things to Do When You’re Filthy Rich

Image: Photos8

by Paul Springer

So you’ve finally made it. You’ve traded for the boat, the plane, the villa on the Riviera.   

You’ve got a crew of illegal aliens sweeping up stray hundred-dollar bills and burning them in bonfires like leaves.   

The gate of your manse is beset with hordes of hedge fund managers, pleading for fees like beggars trying to knock off a few rupees.   

Now what?   

Few sources of excitement still remain for those so inured to obscene wealth that suitcases full of cash and Swarovski dog bowls induce yawns. But hope remains, hence our list of the top 10 things to do when you’re filthy rich.   

10. Get oral surgery to make it look like you have poor people teeth! In a strange turn of affairs, Time reports that affluent individuals are paying up to engineer lifelike flaws in their choppers.  

9. So you got a boat — that’s not the same as a yacht. This Pavel Shaposhnikov Residential Mega Yacht will only run you $700,000 — that’s $700K per foot of course, which buys you a floating palace whose Christian iconology is designed to remind us of God, by the way. Juadaic and Muslim versions are also available, but it remains unknown whether a Mammon-inspired craft is in the offing.   

8. Sue a relative for money — the game the whole family can play. Most recently, the Post Chronicle chronicles the legal dispute in which L’Oreal heiress Liliane Bettencourt is suing her daughter for psychological abuse. If you play this game well enough, Jeremy Irons will play you in film, as he did in the timeless Reversal of Fortune.   

7. Being rich is no fun unless one is surrounded by countless impoverished foils. If the New York dumpsteratti aren’t doing it for you, move to India. There the contrast between the haves and have-nots is drastically sharper than in the U.S. And according to The Daily Pioneer, which describes steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal’s $53 million wedding bash for his daughter, charity isn’t as popular as in the U.S.   

Such details tell us a great deal about the quality of India’s wealthy. Not for them the example of the 38 US billionaires who pledged at least 50 per cent of their wealth to charity through a campaign started by Mr Warren Buffett and Mr Bill Gates. Not for them the candour of the oil investor, Mr T Boone Picken, who famously said, “I like making money more, but giving it away is a close second.”   

6. Spend a fortune to pay for a school that teaches you how to mimic another culture’s fatuity. Bostonians have been sending kids to Europe for this purpose for 200 years, and now wealthy folks in China can blow some kablingi in the same fashion, according to Red Luxury

5. Use your cash to screw up the school system. Analysis from The Washington Post says big donations can lead to problems and imbalances.   

4. Run for office. Why settle for annoying subordinates and competitors when you get in the grill of an entire state or nation? An op-ed in Truth Out profiles a current example, Meg Whitman. If she ends up in the California governor’s office, it sounds like underlyings would do well to invest in asbestos clothing.   

3. Pay an enormous sum to some waste of skin who doesn’t deserve a red nickel. We’ve heard about the guy who paid some goniff $1 million to streak a presidential rally. Now let’s see someone really pony up and pay Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan to put their clothes back on.   

2. Collect weird stuff — why not, nobody else wants it, so why shouldn’t you corner the market on celebrity hair or pornographic Pez dispensers. We don’t even know what the heck this thing in the Fark post is.   

1. And number one with a bullet — collect unemployment! Bloomberg reports that in 2008 over 2,800 households with $1 million or more in income applied for unemployment benefits. That trickle down stuff really works after all!

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